– conversing with the great spirit –
Welcome back to life isn’t that bad. My name is Bailey Rodfield. I’m trying something a little different with this week’s show, I hope you’ll enjoy it. There will be a little bit of poetry as there usually is. How is everyone doing? I have not been doing well lately. Full disclosure, if you will allow me a little bit of vulnerability for a moment, I had to call a crisis line a couple nights ago. I’ve been really dysphoric lately- I’ve been struggling, and more than that I’ve been neglecting self care. You know, sometimes these days I won’t take my medication until hours after I’m supposed to, sometimes I won’t eat until the middle of the day, sometimes I look in the mirror and I hate what I see- but I’m still here, and right now I’m doing okay. I read this article out of Lion’s Roar magazine, it was talking about a very popular phrase within Buddhism. I’m not sure, like, what circles it’s from or how popular it really is, but it made me think a little bit about how I approached my life. “Right now, it’s like this.” Too often we get caught up in what’s happened to us in the past, and what we have to still do that we lose sight of the present. So, what I want you to do is, you’re listening to me right now- that’s fantastic, thank you so much- but I would like you to be present with me, right now. We’re going to take a breath as we sometimes do on this show, and we’re going to take stock of our surroundings- look around the room, take a breath. What is happening right now? Not in your life, not in your day- right now. How does the room feel? Do you hear the humming of a fridge or air conditioner? The soft drum of a fan perhaps? Right now, it’s like this. When I’m at work and I’m struggling to do my job because I am lost in trauma flashbacks, I feel anxiety in my body, I fight back tears as I remember these awful things that happened to me, and I have to really remember to take a breath, to stop, to survey my surroundings. When I’m having a hard time and I look around me, it’s quiet, it’s peaceful, everyone is just minding their own business and living their lives, and I’m over here trying not to have a panic attack because in that moment I’m not okay. Another thing that I’ve picked up on recently is the idea that when you eat or drink something, you should be enjoying that experience. You know, when I drink coffee it’s often on my way to the next thing, whatever that next thing is, whatever next task or errand that I have to accomplish- isn’t the fact that we can drink coffee at all worth celebrating? The next time you find yourself drinking coffee, or hot tea, or just a hot beverage in general, really enjoy that experience. The feeling of a warm cup in your hands, the steam rising up off of the beverage, the smell of the coffee or the tea, the taste of it, the mouth-feel I guess. You know, we only have one life, and after that none of us really know what happens to us- we can guess, of course, but we only have a body for a very temporary amount of time, and we need to make the most of it I think. I’m terrified of death. A lot of times this year when I’ve been alone and in my down time I just start to get so scared of the impermanence of everything- I could die today, I could die tomorrow. I really don’t want to- I actually want to live my life, and that thought has made me cry recently. But the impermanence of it all scares me a lot, and that means- to me- it’s even more important to enjoy the little things, like a warm cup of coffee.
– the story of joseph smith –
So what have we learned this week? First of all, lovecraftian cultists probably aren’t going to be the best candidates for LDS missionaries to convert. That is something we’ve definitely learned today. Another thing we’ve learned is, sometimes the question isn’t “what is wrong with you?”. The question is: “how can I more effectively manage what I’ve been through?” And one of the ways that I recommend doing that is trying to be more present, and when you do something simple, like drinking a cup of coffee, really take the time to enjoy that experience. Last week we had a special poem recorded by the wonderful trans punk icon, Kiri Anne Ryan Bereznai, and she has recently released a new EP on her bandcamp. I would very much so like it if you all checked that out and potentially supported her because she works hard, and she’s really awesome! I would also like to thank lara for the continued use of her music. I would like to thank sadgrandpa for the continued transcriptions of the episodes- I still haven’t put the first episode of the podcast up on my blog, but I am working on that and I will probably do that by the time this episode gets released. I would like to thank Inspector J off of freesound.org for all of the many sounds that I have used in the past couple episodes- I’m going to attribute them in the show notes. And lastly, I want to thank you- I want to thank you whether you’re a listener, a long time listener, a first time listener, or just a wonderful human being who is here. Thank you so much for being here, I really appreciate that. And I have a lot of really cool things in the works- I know I say that like every week now, but I’m excited to continue to do this show- not just for you, but for me as well. I think it’s healing, and I think it’s healthy, and I can’t wait to show you what I have for you next. My name is Bailey Rodfield, and I would like you all to keep in mind that life isn’t that bad, and we will see you next time around.
– This episode of life isn’t that bad has been transcribed with the help of: Bailey Rodfield, lara, and sadgrandpa –
The Duhkha Daily 