i think these thoughts sometimes

sometimes i wish things were better for us

you, my friends, my sisters, and me

i wish i could be better at expressing

how much love i feel for my sisters in pink and blue

it’s distressing how much of a mess i often feel like

how much i want to grab someone kind

and refuse to let go

in a room where i am alone, i feel that pain

i worry sometimes it drives me insane

how plain i can often feel like i come across

like cream cheese without the bagel

just a dollop of nonsense devoid of taste

how often ignored i feel

how often i worry none of this is real

but i still wave my flag proudly

that minty toothpaste stripe

every direction i look

the sharks encircle me

threaten to drown me

take me to the pound

throw me to the stockades to force me to behave

put on a suit and tie and never question why

a little blue pill can make me feel more like myself

than i have ever felt

i am dealt a shitty hand

i understand how the world is yearning

desperately wanting to earn my trust

so i can be thrust into a cannon

and shot at the sun

as if my transness

and the lack thereof

will stop the oceans rising

will stop us all from dying

will return us to a time when i didn’t get the urge to drink

because the world feels like it is ending

but because i was an alcoholic.

i wish i could put myself in a hyperbolic time chamber

and spend a year without fear meditating

my trauma away

when i came back would i be able to fully say

something beautiful to take your bad thoughts away?

would you stay if i pushed you away?

would my toxic traits still be there

or would all of the worst of me still remain

would all that time alone encourage me to change

or would i sadly remain the fucking same?