– i think these thoughts sometimes –
Welcome back to life isn’t that bad. My name is Bailey Rodfield, and my stomach hurts a little bit this morning. I had a really big sandwich last night, and it was like 2:00a.m. when I did that. I’m not really sure if I should have- I’m kind of avoiding the topic this week I guess. But there is something I wanted to say- I love kind people. I love kind people. You know, I saw a meme on Facebook this morning that said there are people who give pieces of themselves to other people to make them feel okay, because they’ve been hurt before by people who have taken too much and they don’t ever want anyone else to feel that way again. I would say that I’m definitely one of those people; I’m constantly worried about everyone and everything, and whenever someone presents a problem to me I jump in at the drop of a pin and I say, “How can I help you? How can I exhaust myself to make your life a little bit easier?”, and when you have that tendency, it’s hard to want to take a step back sometimes and examine yourself and say, “Am I taking care of myself? Are my needs being met? Am I able to deal with the amount of pieces I’m giving to other people at this moment?”. You know, I’ve been a people pleaser for a good portion of my life up until maybe about the past two years when the wrong kind of people took advantage of that and left me in a position where it’s harder for me to trust people now. But I would say the people I have in my life now I can trust- I can trust my friends, I can trust my spouse. I can trust all of the lovely, wonderful people that I have come to know over the past year, and that’s beautiful. We’re going to hear a very special poem today, actually- we’re going to hear two very special poems this week. The first one is going to be a guest poem from one of those lovely friends that I was just talking about. My friend Autumn wrote a poem that is just heartbreaking in all the best ways, and I got her to record it for us. I really hope that you all enjoy this, that you can hear some of the pain that she expresses, and empathize. And if you can’t, well, maybe you’re not trans.
Rest is not something that comes easily to us trans people. It’s all I can do to hope, sometimes, that the decisions I’ve made- to transition, to embrace that part of myself… have been the right ones. That sometimes fleeting hope that I’ve made the right choice is all I can hold onto. And then I’ll catch myself off guard. I’ll go to the bathroom and look in the mirror, and smile at the happy looking woman looking back at me. In her eyes, there’s this unspoken truth between us- yes, you made the right choice. Yes, you are happier in your own skin now. Those moments are few and far between, but when I get to experience them? Right then, in that small moment of euphoric joy? Life isn’t that bad. It makes me want to say – yes, all that pain and heartache I’ve been through has been worth it. The daily struggle that makes life at times so trying? Give me at least one good look in the bathroom mirror when I’m not being attacked by my own brain a day, and it almost makes all of this seem worth it. I have one more poem for you this week- another one of my lovely friends is a wonderful upcoming musician, at just 17. I’ve used one of her songs off her first EP as the backtrack to a poem about that wonderful headspace of euphoria I can sometimes find myself in. We’re also about to hear a song by another friend of the show, Evelyn Ryan. You might know them as HappyHappy – again, what you’re about to hear is special- it exists, potentially, somewhere in the soundscape we have just heard. But first, we are going to take a break. We’ll be right back to the show.
– little blue pills – HappyHappy –
– the jazz club removed from time –
Well. I hope you all have enjoyed this little foray we’ve done into both the darkness and the light that comes with the trans experience this week. Look, if you’ve been having a hard time lately… so have I. Sometimes my emotions are all over the place- it can be incredibly hard to handle. Three mornings in a row recently, I got overstimulated and overwhelmed, and I kind of lost it. My poor spouse had to take the brunt of that; I’m not proud of it. But I’m trying to heal myself- the journey is long, arduous, and packed with great amounts of extreme difficulty. Sometimes I can go weeks without being incapable of handling myself. Other times, I have one good day in the midst of really bad ones. But my life is beautiful. You might even say that… life isn’t that bad. So, now we’re onto the ‘thank you’s. First of all, thank you so much for listening to the show this week. I’d like to throw out a special shout out this week to our Patreon supporter: Abbie – Thank you for being our first supporter! If you like what I do here and want to support the show, head on over to Patreon @lifeisntbad. Follow me on Twitter @lifeisntpodcast. I’d like to thank sadgrandpa and lara for their continued help on the show. Please check out lara’s EP, ‘it only takes 10 minutes’, which can be found on Spotify. The wonderfully calming music in the jazz club removed from time that was featured in this week’s episode was made by her. I’d like to give another shoutout to Eve Ryan of HappyHappy. Thanks for agreeing to let me use your song ‘little blue pills’. You can find HappyHappy on Bandcamp, and follow them on Twitter @itshappyhappy.
Finally, and last but most certainly not least, I would like to thank Autumn Warner for her contribution to the show this week, ‘fall’. She took me to a library and was kind enough to record one of her poems for the show. She’s really excited to hear this episode, and I hope I did her justice. I love you a lot, friend- I hope you enjoyed it. Our next episode is going to be really exciting, and to all of my dear listeners, I think you’re really going to enjoy what I have in store for you next. Keep hanging in there until next we meet. I know it’s hectic and scary out there right now, but I have faith in you. When next we meet, I hope I can bring with me a voice of empathy and compassion to help you along on your journey. My name is Bailey Rodfield, and I’m so happy you’ve been here with me today. I’ll see ya next time.
*** Please consider taking a moment to check out or share the following link in regards to the Rodfields’ current and more pressing financial difficulties: https://gofund.me/4945d4fd ***
– This episode of life isn’t that bad has been transcribed with the help of: Bailey Rodfield, lara, and sadgrandpa –
The Duhkha Daily 